Paul Azinger, fresh off his Wendy's 3 Tour Challenge appearance in the hills of rural Hawaii, has had enough. "I've been golfing for years, week in and week out to make ends meet, and these deadbeats want to live off of my dime, my earning power?" Azinger said as he struck a putt on the practice green at the prestigious Isleworth Country Club. Azinger cited the 587 tournaments over the years that he has been forced to play to feed his family. Azinger claims that he supports charities almost every week through tournaments that he plays in. "One of my favorite tournaments is the Cialis Open. There is this toys for tots program where if you bring a toy, a child gets a toy and you get a dollar off the admission fee. I signed autographs back in 1994 because I do my part. You sell something like that on Ebay, you don't even need a job." Azinger rants on about the liberal left spending agenda of America as he transitions from the putting green to the spa area of the club. Azinger himself is used to hardship, spending hours upon hours on the golf course to better America. "Look, it's not that hard. You get out on the range, and pound some balls. And pound some more balls. More balls. Balls until your hands turn raw and start to bleed. Balls until your lips get chapped and your back gets sore. It's all about pounding balls," Azinger quips, noting that he spent over 2 years at Community College learning the ins and outs of the highest political discourse in the Country.
Azinger, who has struggled with back problems all of his life, doesn't understand why the healthcare thing is such a big deal. Listen, once you spend 20 or 30 years pounding balls, healthcare is cheap. Azinger notes that his $40,000 appearance fee in 1986 from the Dubai Desert Classic more than covered his spinal fusion surgery. "Look, I'm not saying having that surgery was easy. Sometimes you can pound too many balls. But to pretend like its some sort of exorbitant cost, lets be real," Azinger moans as he steps on his GulfStream4 jet which he earned through years of ball pounding. As the flight carried on towards the Isle of Azinger, his personal retreat to get away from the grind of playing golf for millions of dollars each week, Azinger had something to say about taxes. "Kids these days. They expect the government to coddle them with health benefits and handouts to keep them clothed and fed. Meanwhile here I am paying 16 times of their overall human worth per year for just one of my properties when they haven't even ever sucked it up and pounded some balls. Just ridiculous," he went on, saying "This Obama guy isn't even American I haven't even seen his birth certificate. I guess were supposed to ignore the fact he's been enabling these minorities for years who haven't even ever seen a driving range. Listen, I'm willing to accept a little adultery or even some campaign fraud because you have to listen to your heart, but get off your ass and pound some balls Obama. He's not even Christian, you know? He took the oath of office on the Koran and was mouthing Allah Ahkbar instead of the customary oath. I'd tell you to look at the tapes but he had his government controlled liberal media erase the tapes. Typical. Not only that did you hear about that guy he talked to who did something illegal. This guy might be the antichrist," Azinger continues as a for hire private stewardess brings him a wet towel to wipe away the sweat forming on his brow, seemingly astonished at the liberal failings of America. "If you don't believe me, just ask Frank Lickliter III. You really think were both wrong about this?".
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The New York Yankees are vastly superior to the Texas Rangers
Extreme journalist Filip Bondy ( fbondy@nydailynews.com ) posted an excellent article highlighting what a shit team the Texas Rangers are:
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/2010/10/14/2010-10-14_sad_lil_home_on_the_range.html
I have penned my response as an open letter (and invitation):
Dear Filip Bondy,
Excellent article today regarding the superiority of the New York Yankees over the Texas Rangers.
I find your latin charm to an insatiable temptation. Your curly hair with just a hint of gray and that thin, yet succulent mustache. It's like Keith Hernandez and Rafael Palmerio had an ass baby and named it Fillip.
I want to ride you like a bull, Filip.
And there will be nothing mechanical about it.
We'll make the world what it really means to give the claw and the antlers.
Sincerely,
me.
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/2010/10/14/2010-10-14_sad_lil_home_on_the_range.html
I have penned my response as an open letter (and invitation):
Dear Filip Bondy,
Excellent article today regarding the superiority of the New York Yankees over the Texas Rangers.
I find your latin charm to an insatiable temptation. Your curly hair with just a hint of gray and that thin, yet succulent mustache. It's like Keith Hernandez and Rafael Palmerio had an ass baby and named it Fillip.
I want to ride you like a bull, Filip.
And there will be nothing mechanical about it.
We'll make the world what it really means to give the claw and the antlers.
Sincerely,
me.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A Guest Blog Post From Black Person and Food Enthusiast Jason Whitlock
Dr. King had a dream.
Everyday I wake up I'm reminded of that dream. As I walk around town on a typical morning, stopping at burger joints, barbecue restaurants, grocery stores, Subways, donut shops, Sonic (have you seen the breakfast menu?), bagel stands, soup kitchens, hell whatever, I walk around Free. Free to order what I want. Free to sit where I want. Free to write what I want. And yes my friends and readers, Free, Free at last, to eat what I want.
It reminds me of the great American hero Brett Favre. Disgusting news came out last week from a supposed sports website that Brett Favre had allegedly sent pictures of his penis to a Jets sideline reporter. I'm sickened at writers across the country have promoted the website, http://www.deadspin.com , and written constantly about the situation out of sheer self promotion, in a vain attempt to get as many website hits as possible. It's disgusting that Dr. King's dream has turned into a free for all where all the members of the leering press do is swarm like vultures around the private life of a football star, who is merely expressing his affection for a girl he loves, something they probably don't have the balls to do.
I think about those early days when No. 4 left it all on display for us to enjoy every week. The package on display was a site to behold. I'm reminded of his friendship with black defensive end Reggie White and just thinking about it brings a feeling of unity that hasn't been seen in the NFL since the great Tony Dungy, whose African American son died in tragic hate crime in South Beach. I think about Tony and the pain he must've gone through when I'm down at the Tampa Arby's enjoying a roast beef sandwich (Store 8318, sauce is extra tangy.) God I'm hungry.
Brett Favre is a true American Hero. It doesn't matter that he played in Wisconsin, is white, and likely owns a farm. When he gets sacked, he pops right up and smacks the graceful, smooth, gloriously athletic black defensive end, despite the fact his superior athleticism. Then he sends a couple of texts to him after the game. That's just the kind of guy Brett is. Dr. King had a dream and I think people forget that. As this tale of distorted, hateful, and racist journalism overtakes America today, I challenge you reader to fulfill that dream and stand behind No.4 and his full body of work.
-Jason Whitlock
Jason Whitlock writes about the sports world from every angle, but mainly just the one about race, including those other writers can't imagine or muster courage to address, because it takes a whole lot of courage to attempt to make a career solely off of writing about race. His columns are humorous because they are so bad, thought-provoking if you are literally comatose and words might snap you out of it, agenda free just like all good writing should be, honest and unpredictable, if unpredictable means that its about race.
Jason Whitlock is an African American columnist for the Kansas City Star and FOXSports.com, is widely considered the most provocative, thought-provoking and entertaining sports columnist working today. The September 2007 issue of Vibe Magazine tabbed Whitlock as “one of 40 people who will change the world.” Presidential candidate Barack Obama was also on the list.
With a column-writing style stolen from his boyhood idol Mike Royko and courage gleaned from his mentor Ralph Wiley, Whitlock has made a local and national name by boldly and insightfully addressing the most sensitive subjects in sports. Unlike any other writer in the world, he can't utter a fucking sentence without talking about race or food.
His April 11, 2007 column on Don Imus and Rutgers basketball best illustrates Whitlock’s knack for turning sports commentary into social commentary and providing a fresh outlook on a controversial topic. By fresh, he means he plays the race card once again, drawing the ire of everyone with a brain. The column, “Imus isn’t the real bad guy,” is one of the most pervasive pieces of newspaper journalism published. By pervasive, critics have clarified they mean literally so awful its offensive. It has been compared to Pulitzer Prize-winner Leonard Pitts’ column on 9/11, in that like 9/11, it's a fucking national tragedy.
If he wore a bra, his breasts would be a 36D and would likely need extra support due to their overwhelming weight. He enjoys all types of food, from filet mignon to dog food, and will eat it off the ground. He was once quoted by Charlie Gibson on Good Morning America as saying that he is staunchly opposed to the five second rule.
The column, which argued that African-Americans should examine hip-hop music’s culture of black-on-black disrespect rather than castigate an old radio shock jock, served as the foundation of two episodes of “The Oprah Winfrey.” Whitlock flew to Chicago, met Ms. Winfrey and appeared on both shows alongside rap-music mogul Russell Simmons, the Rev. Al Sharpton, New York Daily News columnist Stanley Crouch, singer India Arie and others
Mr. Whitlock can be contacted by email at BKQuadStacker@gmail.com and by facsimile if he hasn't eaten the fax machine yet this month thinking it was a filet-o-fish.
Friday, September 3, 2010
A Special Message from Governer Jan Brewer
At this time, I'd like to introduce a very special guest blogger, Governor Jan Brewer. Throughout her rise to prominence, Jan has shown that with hard work, perseverance, and faith, you can achieve your dreams. As the only governor in America without a college degree, Jan has stood on her principals of exclusion and has fought for the rights of hard working legal citizens who are openly American.
Jan Brewer:
"Thank you. I, I I...........I think that...Thank you. I no....um....no um college degree, but um......................................Listen, okay. I am amazing..............................................................what I've done here. Um. .....................................I've changed the course of human history unlike anyone in history........................................................................................................................................................................................................Thank you."
Jan Brewer:
"Thank you. I, I I...........I think that...Thank you. I no....um....no um college degree, but um......................................Listen, okay. I am amazing.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
URGENT MATTER: THE 14TH AMENDMENT
THE FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT WAS WRITTEN A SHORT TIME AGO BY SOME LIBERALS WHO DID NOT LOVE THEIR FELLOW AMERICANS. RESULTING FROM THIS AMERICAN BETRAYAL, THESE INSIDIOUS LIBERALS CAME UP WITH THE FOLLOWING AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION RECENTLY:
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State.
Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may, by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.
Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.
Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CONSEQUENCES IF THIS AMENDMENT IS ALLOWED TO STAND? I HAVE DONE A REVISION OF THIS LIBERAL PROPAGANDA TO REPRESENT THE TRUE SENTIMENT OF TRUE AMERICANS: (SEE INTERLINED)
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside[EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS] . No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS] But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may, by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. [ ESPECIALLY BY MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS] But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article. [EXCEPT MEXICAN, BLACK AND GAY LEGISLATORS WHO ARE BY LAW ILLEGAL ]
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State.
Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may, by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.
Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.
Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CONSEQUENCES IF THIS AMENDMENT IS ALLOWED TO STAND? I HAVE DONE A REVISION OF THIS LIBERAL PROPAGANDA TO REPRESENT THE TRUE SENTIMENT OF TRUE AMERICANS: (SEE INTERLINED)
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside[EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS] . No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS] But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may, by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. [ ESPECIALLY BY MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS] But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void. [EXCEPT MEXICANS, BLACKS AND GAYS]
Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article. [EXCEPT MEXICAN, BLACK AND GAY LEGISLATORS WHO ARE BY LAW ILLEGAL ]
Monday, July 12, 2010
Letters from Mel
Dear Lebron FUCKING James,
I heard about what you did Lebron. I FUCKING heard it. You motherfucker I will not allow it, NO I WONT. I have season tickets to the Lakers you pathetic piece of shit SEASON TICKETS YOU HEAR ME GODDDAMNIT. I'm going to slice into pieces and feed you to my dog Lebron, and you should be grateful you son of a bitch lowlife sinner. Who the fuck are you anyway? You think you are "chosen one." I'm Mel fucking Gibson. Didn't you ever see Forever Young. I can turn back time you little shit. I'll just turn it back time and then I'll fly up to Cleveland and step on you like a bug. I'll grind yo into the ground until your juices are all over my Cole Haans. Then I'll have your mother lick it off my shoes before I get my Delonte West Jersey and make her SUCK ME OFF Lebron. Did you even know I had a Delonte West jersey? Probably not, but I do. Always liked his midrange game.
You probably didn't even know until you opened this letter, you shitfuck Israelite that I am NBA fan. Well, I am not only a fan, I fucking control you and the rest of the players in the NBA. It's like Jesse Jackson said. Do you remember the movie Payback Lebron? Of course you don't. I only did that piece of shit movie so I could enjoy some fucking NBA and here you go trying to ruin it. You know what I ought to do? I should call the cops and alert them to the fact that you think you are going to live in my Florida. I own Florida you cuntass homosexual apologist. You will burn Lebron. You will Fucking Burn.
Signed,
Mel Gibson
I heard about what you did Lebron. I FUCKING heard it. You motherfucker I will not allow it, NO I WONT. I have season tickets to the Lakers you pathetic piece of shit SEASON TICKETS YOU HEAR ME GODDDAMNIT. I'm going to slice into pieces and feed you to my dog Lebron, and you should be grateful you son of a bitch lowlife sinner. Who the fuck are you anyway? You think you are "chosen one." I'm Mel fucking Gibson. Didn't you ever see Forever Young. I can turn back time you little shit. I'll just turn it back time and then I'll fly up to Cleveland and step on you like a bug. I'll grind yo into the ground until your juices are all over my Cole Haans. Then I'll have your mother lick it off my shoes before I get my Delonte West Jersey and make her SUCK ME OFF Lebron. Did you even know I had a Delonte West jersey? Probably not, but I do. Always liked his midrange game.
You probably didn't even know until you opened this letter, you shitfuck Israelite that I am NBA fan. Well, I am not only a fan, I fucking control you and the rest of the players in the NBA. It's like Jesse Jackson said. Do you remember the movie Payback Lebron? Of course you don't. I only did that piece of shit movie so I could enjoy some fucking NBA and here you go trying to ruin it. You know what I ought to do? I should call the cops and alert them to the fact that you think you are going to live in my Florida. I own Florida you cuntass homosexual apologist. You will burn Lebron. You will Fucking Burn.
Signed,
Mel Gibson
Dear Lebron James, You are not the King of anything
Chosen1 by who? Dwyane Wade?
When you, Lebron James, made the decision to have the decision, it was clear that you are not a king, but rather a giant faggot. Taking a look throughout history, numerous kings have had homsosexual relationships with other men. Those kings are not faggots like you, Lebron. They had sex with other men because they could do whatever they wanted. They could chop of their wives heads, commit mass genocide, and...have sex with whoever they wanted, including men. That is the type of dominion, power, and control that makes a king a king. You, Lebron, are just interested in dirty, sinful, humid Miami gay sex with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. That doesn't make you a king Lebron. It makes you a sinner.
What is the main symbol of a king, Lebron? A crown. Do you have a crown Lebron? No. Do you know why you don't have a crown? Because you lost in 6 to the Celtics, 6 to the Magic, 7 to the Celtics, swept by the Spurs, and 7 to the Pistons. Kings are #1 Lebron. They don't get swept by the Spurs and dunked on by highschool kids in the summer. They wear the crown on top of their head because they win.
The funny thing Lebron, is that I used to like you. I defended you at the YMCA and told everyone how much more talented you were than Kobe and others. What a big mistake I made. Little did I know that you are basically nothing more than Delonte West's step son.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Report: Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to have lots of gay sex
Somewhere deep in the haunches of a heathenous Miami nightclub in early July, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade laid out their sick, despicable plan that had nothing to do with money or basketball. Eschewing the more conventional Powerpoint presentations and steak dinners that most free agents enjoy, Wade and Bosh snuck off, arm in arm, looking for trouble on a sticky, hot Miami night. Sources are currently indicating to me that Wade wore not only his game used knee pads, but his full body rip protector to protect himself from the potential force generated by "Littlefoot", the nickname affectionately bestowed upon Chris Bosh, a reference to "Land Before Time", the classic story about a group of dinosaurs search for "the great valley." The Great Valley indeed.
Sparing the private details, the night was apparently so unforgettable that Bosh had found his great valley in Dwayne Wade and Miami, figuratively and literally. Early Wednesday morning, a flood of emotion flowed through the loins of both Bosh and Wade as they came out together exclusively to the LOGO network to announce that they would be repeating this disgusting rendezvous nightly.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Mavs' Nowitzki likely to join Nash in Phoenix
June 29,2010
Reports out of Wurzburg from a source close to Nowitzki says that the Mavericks all time leading scorer is all but certain to join Steve Nash in Phoenix. Reportedly, Dirk is frustrated with the Mavericks hesitation at offering the 32 year old a max contract and has had a heart to heart with Nash about a possible reunion. The two were spotted last Saturday taking in the World Cup soccer match between Germany and England. Citing NBA tampering rules, a source within the Suns who did not wish to be identified, would neither confirm or deny the report saying simply, "We are exploring any and all options."
Assuming Dirk does bolt for Phoenix, the Mavs are left with little room to maneuver and will likely target Joe Johnson in a sign and trade. Other possible options to fill the void left by Nowtizki's departure include local favorite Chris Bosh or veteran Brad Miller.
-Bob Sacamano
Reports out of Wurzburg from a source close to Nowitzki says that the Mavericks all time leading scorer is all but certain to join Steve Nash in Phoenix. Reportedly, Dirk is frustrated with the Mavericks hesitation at offering the 32 year old a max contract and has had a heart to heart with Nash about a possible reunion. The two were spotted last Saturday taking in the World Cup soccer match between Germany and England. Citing NBA tampering rules, a source within the Suns who did not wish to be identified, would neither confirm or deny the report saying simply, "We are exploring any and all options."
Assuming Dirk does bolt for Phoenix, the Mavs are left with little room to maneuver and will likely target Joe Johnson in a sign and trade. Other possible options to fill the void left by Nowtizki's departure include local favorite Chris Bosh or veteran Brad Miller.
-Bob Sacamano
Thursday, June 3, 2010
THERE WILL BE NO "NBA FREE AGENT SUMMIT"
A google search for "dwyane wade douchebag" returns 18,600 results.
A google search for "lebron james douchebag" returns 52,600 results.
A google search for "david stern douchebag" returns 27,400 results.
So not surprisingly, when Dwyane Wade tries to create some douchebag summit where all of the league's douchebags come together and try to rig the highest level of basketball in an even more obvious way than douchebag David Stern already has, David Stern is obviously going to have some douchebag things to say about it.
Lets translate David Stern's douchebag speak into human words:
(quotes from this stupid article: http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=5249480)
"I would expect our players to talk to one another, and we don't have any problem with that," Stern said Thursday during his annual NBA Finals news conference. "If some kind of tampering is implicated, I will have a later and different view, but we're not expecting that."
Translation: Since the best players in the NBA are the only reason the league exists and theoretically has an opportunity to make money, I suppose, as benevolent King, will allow them to communicate verbally with one another on a limited basis. However, I reserve my God ordained right to take action against them at any time for such verbal communication.
Translation: On some deep level, I realize that fining Mark Cuban $100,000 for saying that LeBron is good is maybe the most retarded thing I've ever done. It might even be pointless. But, lets not forget that I'm David Fucking Stern and retarded is what I do. So there.
"I grew up in Stern's Delicatessen. He has his meat wrong," Stern said.
Translation: I know a lot about dick.
"It actually, I think, demonstrates, I mean, we're really up there now with Bill Gates, President Obama and Lady Gaga," Stern joked. "How can you beat that trifecta, to add LeBron James to that?"
Translation: Hopefully these pop culture references will trick people into thinking I'm a real life person.
"I'm a recovering single-team person," Stern said.
Translation: Things were so much easier back when I was a human child and actually liked basketball. Thankfully, I know realize that really what is important is money.
"LeBron will have played with Cleveland for seven years. That's a huge amount of time. Cleveland has been given the edge with respect to the raises they can give him and the length of his contract. I think that's a good thing. And then you just, it's up to the players to decide where they want to go. They fought very hard for that right, and I'm perfectly fine with that."
Translation: Check out this motherfucking tampering baby. What am I going to fine myself? Ha Ha, yeah right bitches.
A google search for "lebron james douchebag" returns 52,600 results.
A google search for "david stern douchebag" returns 27,400 results.
So not surprisingly, when Dwyane Wade tries to create some douchebag summit where all of the league's douchebags come together and try to rig the highest level of basketball in an even more obvious way than douchebag David Stern already has, David Stern is obviously going to have some douchebag things to say about it.
Lets translate David Stern's douchebag speak into human words:
(quotes from this stupid article: http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=5249480)
"I would expect our players to talk to one another, and we don't have any problem with that," Stern said Thursday during his annual NBA Finals news conference. "If some kind of tampering is implicated, I will have a later and different view, but we're not expecting that."
Translation: Since the best players in the NBA are the only reason the league exists and theoretically has an opportunity to make money, I suppose, as benevolent King, will allow them to communicate verbally with one another on a limited basis. However, I reserve my God ordained right to take action against them at any time for such verbal communication.
"They can have it," he said. "I was wondering whether they would get together, eight players and they'll all look at D-Wade's ring? They'd be better off watching these finals to see how you construct a team and how you play and the like. There's not going to be a summit."
Translation: Dwyane Wade, you ungrateful son of a bitch, have you not seen the ring I have already generously provided you? Have your damn summit and you will never see the NBA Finals again. By the way, this Lakers/Celtics thing is totally legitimate guys, esepcially that Pau Gasol trade, watch the NBA Finals on ABC.
"You really don't want to be a complete spoilsport, but you work hard and you say, 'OK, this crosses the line,' and you fine somebody," Stern said. "It's no fun, and it's not necessarily a productive use of our time. But our teams who have these players under contract are easily offended, and appropriately offended when inappropriate statements are made about players already under contract, and that's what we do."Translation: On some deep level, I realize that fining Mark Cuban $100,000 for saying that LeBron is good is maybe the most retarded thing I've ever done. It might even be pointless. But, lets not forget that I'm David Fucking Stern and retarded is what I do. So there.
"I grew up in Stern's Delicatessen. He has his meat wrong," Stern said.
Translation: I know a lot about dick.
"It actually, I think, demonstrates, I mean, we're really up there now with Bill Gates, President Obama and Lady Gaga," Stern joked. "How can you beat that trifecta, to add LeBron James to that?"
Translation: Hopefully these pop culture references will trick people into thinking I'm a real life person.
"I'm a recovering single-team person," Stern said.
Translation: Things were so much easier back when I was a human child and actually liked basketball. Thankfully, I know realize that really what is important is money.
"LeBron will have played with Cleveland for seven years. That's a huge amount of time. Cleveland has been given the edge with respect to the raises they can give him and the length of his contract. I think that's a good thing. And then you just, it's up to the players to decide where they want to go. They fought very hard for that right, and I'm perfectly fine with that."
Translation: Check out this motherfucking tampering baby. What am I going to fine myself? Ha Ha, yeah right bitches.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Isn't the most important statistic wins?
Any internet savvy Maverick fan is clearly aware that they have been ultimately trolled by the admittedly great John Hollinger and his basically awesome Hollinger Power Rankings, which are published nightly by Hollinger's pet monkey named Pebbles on ESPN's internet sports website.
Seen above: Pebbles, John Hollinger's pet monkey who posts the nightly power rankings along with Mr. Hollinger, who claims (dubiously) that he brought home Pebbles from a recent NBA Cares mission in East Africa.
In order to pay homage and demonstrate Hollinger's greatness, I have been knowingly lured into writing this blog post despite the fact I know that I am clearly getting trolled. So lets get to it.
I'll start off by saying that I am basically a basketball expert with a strong statistical background. I attended an accredited University and was technically enrolled in a class entitled Statistics. Further, I play basketball at the YMCA and sometimes even with other people.
I got to thinking about Point Differential, Win shares, outliers, efficiency, Pythagorean won/loss, pace factor, and other small numbers with decimals and I realized that I did not care very much about them. It seemed like surely there was a stat out there that actually meant something. This leads me to the under utilized number that is often overlooked by many of the top analysts: Wins.
The funny thing about Wins is that they really don't measure anything except whether you scored more points than your opponent on a given night when a basketball game is played. Oddly, wins have been used to determine "seeding" (with one NBA exception which has since been corrected). "Seeding" can be found by looking at the "standings," which are published in many places from the newspaper to the internet.
The Last 10 years in the NBA:
'08-'09: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 3rd seed
'07-'08: Eastern Conference 1st seed defeated Western Conference 1st seed
'06-'07: Western Conference 3rd seed defeated Eastern Conference 2nd seed
'05-'06: Eastern Conference 2nd seed defeated Western Conference 4 seed
'04-'05: Western Conference 2nd seed defeated Eastern Conference 2 seed
'03-'04: Eastern Conference 3rd seed defeated Western Conference 2 seed
'02-'03: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 2 seed
'01-'02: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 1 seed
'00-'01: Western Conference 2nd seed defeated Eastern Conference 1 seed
'99-'00: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 1st seed
# of wins by championship team:
'08-'09: 65
'07-'08: 66
'06-'07: 58
'05-'06: 52
'04-'05: 59
'03-'04: 54
'02-'03: 60
'01-'02: 58
'00-'01: 56
'99-'00: 67
Championships by seeding in the last 10 years:
1st seed: 5
2nd seed: 3
3rd seed: 2
-In 10 years, only one 4 seed has ever made it to an NBA finals (the 60-22 Dallas Mavericks in 2006).
-Only twice has a team with less than 55 wins won an NBA championship, the 52 win Miami Heat in the most controversial NBA finals ever and the 54 win Detroit Pistons, who finished the year on a 19-4 run.)
-No 5 seed in 10 years has ever made it to a Conference finals.
-In fact, the only 4 seed that has ever made it to a Conference Finals is the 60-22 Mavs who lost in the NBA finals.
My intensive statistical study of the last 10 years of raw NBA win data has led me to one conclusion. The Dallas Mavericks are better without Dirk Nowitkzi. Haha just kidding. Who would ever think that a contender 50+ win team would be better without their generally recognized top player: Oh yeah, noted statistician, Hollinger colleague, and former Maverick consultant Wayne Winston who believes Kevin Durant made the Thunder worst last year. Winston can be seen here trying to look like an eccentric Yale graduate who doesn't have time to pose for your simple minded picture:
Above: Wayne Winston, Yale graduate and statistical expert, thinks that Kevin Durant makes the Oklahoma City Thunder worse and thinks that smiling is beneath him.
Seriously though, from injuries, to schedules, sleep patterns, talent, matchups, choice of pregame meal, coach, hundreds, if not thousands of variables go into every single NBA game. It is beyond me how Mr. Hollinger and others numerically account for Josh Howard's marijuana smoking in their analysis.
As every critic has always pointed out, statistical analysis can be used in a beneficial way by fans and teams alike as long as those statistics are done by someone who knows what they are doing and conform with common sense. You can tell me all you want that Bucks are better than the Mavericks and point to your silly little numbers, and I'll ask you if they will be the first 5 seed to make it to the conference finals in 10 years, because anyone who has functioning eyes can tell you that they won't. (and even if they do, I'll just scream "statistical outlier" and run in the other direction.)
All you have to do people is check out the standings. Right now the Mavs should win between 53-57 games and be a #2 or a #3 seed going into the playoffs. For all of those other taems who are oh so much more impressive than the Mavs (but reside on the bottom half of the playoff bracket), they will need to buck 10 years worth of history to even make it to the conference finals, regardless of their point differential. And doesn't Matt Bonner play for the Spurs anyway? We'll be alright.
Seen above: Pebbles, John Hollinger's pet monkey who posts the nightly power rankings along with Mr. Hollinger, who claims (dubiously) that he brought home Pebbles from a recent NBA Cares mission in East Africa.
In order to pay homage and demonstrate Hollinger's greatness, I have been knowingly lured into writing this blog post despite the fact I know that I am clearly getting trolled. So lets get to it.
I'll start off by saying that I am basically a basketball expert with a strong statistical background. I attended an accredited University and was technically enrolled in a class entitled Statistics. Further, I play basketball at the YMCA and sometimes even with other people.
I got to thinking about Point Differential, Win shares, outliers, efficiency, Pythagorean won/loss, pace factor, and other small numbers with decimals and I realized that I did not care very much about them. It seemed like surely there was a stat out there that actually meant something. This leads me to the under utilized number that is often overlooked by many of the top analysts: Wins.
The funny thing about Wins is that they really don't measure anything except whether you scored more points than your opponent on a given night when a basketball game is played. Oddly, wins have been used to determine "seeding" (with one NBA exception which has since been corrected). "Seeding" can be found by looking at the "standings," which are published in many places from the newspaper to the internet.
The Last 10 years in the NBA:
'08-'09: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 3rd seed
'07-'08: Eastern Conference 1st seed defeated Western Conference 1st seed
'06-'07: Western Conference 3rd seed defeated Eastern Conference 2nd seed
'05-'06: Eastern Conference 2nd seed defeated Western Conference 4 seed
'04-'05: Western Conference 2nd seed defeated Eastern Conference 2 seed
'03-'04: Eastern Conference 3rd seed defeated Western Conference 2 seed
'02-'03: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 2 seed
'01-'02: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 1 seed
'00-'01: Western Conference 2nd seed defeated Eastern Conference 1 seed
'99-'00: Western Conference 1st seed defeated Eastern Conference 1st seed
# of wins by championship team:
'08-'09: 65
'07-'08: 66
'06-'07: 58
'05-'06: 52
'04-'05: 59
'03-'04: 54
'02-'03: 60
'01-'02: 58
'00-'01: 56
'99-'00: 67
Championships by seeding in the last 10 years:
1st seed: 5
2nd seed: 3
3rd seed: 2
-In 10 years, only one 4 seed has ever made it to an NBA finals (the 60-22 Dallas Mavericks in 2006).
-Only twice has a team with less than 55 wins won an NBA championship, the 52 win Miami Heat in the most controversial NBA finals ever and the 54 win Detroit Pistons, who finished the year on a 19-4 run.)
-No 5 seed in 10 years has ever made it to a Conference finals.
-In fact, the only 4 seed that has ever made it to a Conference Finals is the 60-22 Mavs who lost in the NBA finals.
My intensive statistical study of the last 10 years of raw NBA win data has led me to one conclusion. The Dallas Mavericks are better without Dirk Nowitkzi. Haha just kidding. Who would ever think that a contender 50+ win team would be better without their generally recognized top player: Oh yeah, noted statistician, Hollinger colleague, and former Maverick consultant Wayne Winston who believes Kevin Durant made the Thunder worst last year. Winston can be seen here trying to look like an eccentric Yale graduate who doesn't have time to pose for your simple minded picture:
Above: Wayne Winston, Yale graduate and statistical expert, thinks that Kevin Durant makes the Oklahoma City Thunder worse and thinks that smiling is beneath him.
Seriously though, from injuries, to schedules, sleep patterns, talent, matchups, choice of pregame meal, coach, hundreds, if not thousands of variables go into every single NBA game. It is beyond me how Mr. Hollinger and others numerically account for Josh Howard's marijuana smoking in their analysis.
As every critic has always pointed out, statistical analysis can be used in a beneficial way by fans and teams alike as long as those statistics are done by someone who knows what they are doing and conform with common sense. You can tell me all you want that Bucks are better than the Mavericks and point to your silly little numbers, and I'll ask you if they will be the first 5 seed to make it to the conference finals in 10 years, because anyone who has functioning eyes can tell you that they won't. (and even if they do, I'll just scream "statistical outlier" and run in the other direction.)
All you have to do people is check out the standings. Right now the Mavs should win between 53-57 games and be a #2 or a #3 seed going into the playoffs. For all of those other taems who are oh so much more impressive than the Mavs (but reside on the bottom half of the playoff bracket), they will need to buck 10 years worth of history to even make it to the conference finals, regardless of their point differential. And doesn't Matt Bonner play for the Spurs anyway? We'll be alright.
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