The people who are good at basketball are good at NBA

In this picture, Hasheem Thabeet's tallass succumbs to DeJuan Blair's basketball type movements.

As the first week of NBA action gets underway, I have been keeping an eye on the rookies. Every year when basketball fans watch the draft, you can usually pick out the guys who suck and the guys who have actual basketball ability. Remember Ty Lawson, the electric point guard for the national champion Tarheels last year? Yeah it always seemed like he was pretty good at the basketball. He just got done scoring 17 points in 26 minutes in the season opener. What a "steal".



Meanwhile, when I saw Hasheem Thabeet suck a lot in college, it always seemed like he sucked. NBA GMs always told me that apparently he was tall and he therefore has "potential." 0 points 2 rebounds. Greg Oden-esque.



DeJuan Blair had 14 and 11 in his debut. When he played basketball he always seemed to A. score a lot of points B. get a lot of rebounds. That is what he did. Pretty shocking.



This basketball thing is a hard thing to figure.

Mavs take a giant opening night shit on the court

With 1:57 left in the 4th quarter, the Mavericks ran a pick n' roll involving Jose Juan Barea and Shawn Marion. The result: Marion received the ball, streaking to the basket where he laid the ball in easily. With 1:57 left in the 4th quarter, the Mavs found a way to use Shawn Marion properly. Since the game included 46:03 before that, the Mavericks ended up losing 102-91.


The bad news for the Mavs? 4/18 on three pointers looks an awful lot like last year. The good news? The culprits taking those shots were Jason Terry/Dirk Nowitzki/JJ Barea/Jason Kidd. I didn't see Devean George or Antoine Wright anywhere, which was music to the eyes.

One of the most interesting moments came in the third quarter when Drew "Talent" Gooden replaced Erick Dampier on the floor. As Talent received the ball and took a jumpshot, the ball clanged harmlessly off the backboard. But the weird thing was a brown spot seemed to form on the back of Talent's pants, and brown drops of semi solid liquid seemed be falling onto the floor underneath him. If you pause your tivo, you can see the resulting mess. That Drew, he's such a character.

In the other locker room the Wizards looked pretty damn decent. Gilbert Arenas is clearly healthy and looks like he might be able to play 20-25(!) games this year. If I were in the business of writing shocking things that probably aren't true, I would say that maybe Antawn Jamison's absence is a blessing in disguise. Jamison's interior defense is pretty non existent and the Bullets have plenty of scoring when they are knocking down every single 20 footer they take. Another interesting set of Wizard weapons are Andray Blatche and Randy Foye, who combined for 39 points on 16/28 shooting. Careful research indicates that these are the first 16 baskets that these players have ever made in their careers. Look for Washington to challenge the Cavs and Celtics for East supremacy if they continue to shoot 93% on 23 foot 2 pointers.


Maverick fan's minds must be going in a lot of different directions right now. The prudent observer might tell everyone to chill out, that this is only 1 of 82 games and the Mavs wil be just fine. The guy who sat next to me in the '03-'04 season section 332 in the corner (you know who you are) just hung himself. Probably the most wise response is to be concerned over the poor start, but just remember we will have our share of bad games this year.

Is Tim Tebow the greatest human ever?

Around the water cooler at the office where employees knowledgeably converse about manly things like sports and hunting, I keep hearing from this one moron that Tim Tebow is overrated. I'm not sure what he says afterward because I usually get dizzy and disoriented at such a suggestion.

As a sports journalist, I found it my duty to get out there and do some dirty work. So I googled "Tim Tebow yahoo" and looked at his statistics with my eyes. Wow!! 75 touchdowns and only 15 interceptions. And that doesn't even take into count his jump passes. Clearly, water cooler sports guy was plainly wrong.

I couldn't let it go though. Sure, I had proven without a doubt that Tim Tebow is the greatest football player in history (he did win the Heisman afterall), but the greater question is whether he is the greatest human ever.

When considering this topic I think about Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Schindler, George W. Bush, and Tom Brady. The problem with the first 4 are that, yeah sure they "saved lives" and were "amazing people", but they seemed to have no athletic training at all.

So then I got to thinking about Tom Brady. He has models, Super Bowl rings, and boyish good looks. He even mercilessly punished that 61 year old convict (monster) who had the audacity to steal Mr. Brady's Belgian flower boxes. Doesn't this guy appreciate what Tom Brady has done for us all?

But the problem really with Tom Brady when it comes to judging best human ever is not his football ability or good looks, it is just the existence of Tim Tebow. Among the Tebow stories include the time when he was on a South American mission trip (for the kids...) and voluntarily fed an orphaned Cuban screech owl orally until he was healthy enough to fly away. Another time while eradicating sexual predators on the streets of Tallahassee, Tebow saw a homeless man behind him while bench pressing and doing situps at the same time. Realizing that he did not have anything to eat, he yelled at him to "Get off his ass and find a job." Not only is Tim Tebow the athlete dreams are made of, he cares about the less fortunate.

Finally, when it comes to deciding whether Tim Tebow is indeed the greatest human ever, we must not forget his square jaw, thick, well deveopled abdominals, and protruding pectorals. Lets face it, the man is sex personified. The attraction that Tebow commands literally redefines the artifical boundaries of human sexuality.

The Mavs are old and can't compete with the more experienced Spurs

And there is no way to hide that the two superstars, Jason Kidd and Dirk Nowitzki, have slowed down. - Nov. 2nd NBA ESPN Magazine Western Conference preview

One can only imagine if that sentence was conjured up last spring, immediately following the Nuggets game 5 victory that sent the Mavericks packing. A big reason why the Mavs were unable to put up more of a fight against the Nuggets was that Dirk Nowitzki, a supposed "superstar", is a 31 year old unathletic jumpshooter who has a tendency to fold under pressure. The Nuggets posess one of the games most athletic and versatile defenders in Kenyon Martin. Needless to say, the matchup was poor for Dirk. Dirk struggled to a 34 point per game average on 53% shooting, 12 rebounds, and 4 assists.

So yeah, I agree ESPN, there is no way to hide the debilitating effects of age that produce a hardly fathomable 34/12/4/53% line.

Alongside the aging and mentally battered Nowitzki is new arrival Shawn Marion. Overpaid and overaged, Marion proved last year that he had lost more than a few steps when, from all accounts, it appeared that he had trouble jogging and seemed to be barely be able to dunk at times. Relying on 31 year olds is no way to compete with teams who feature the likes of Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Lamar Odom, Shaquille O'Neal, Antawn Jamison, Vince Carter, Chauncey Billups, or David West.

Meanwhile, amongst the majestic rock quarries and along side the sublime calmness of the San Antonio River Walk sit the San Antonio Spurs, who very much take after their stoic surrondings. Like a fine wine, Tim Duncan continues to improve with age, his fundamentals getting better each and every year. Word coming from the Spurs camp is that Duncan's drop step is more precise than ever and he is pointing his thumbs even more downward on his chest passes, achieving the near impossible by increasing the amount of velocity and backspin on those passes. This, along with the addition of the youthful and talented Richard Jefferson, should only aid the Spurs in improving on the 2008 successful campaign. Levied by depth and experience in Michael Finley and Matt Bonner last year, the Spurs relied on the three point shot to win the Southwest Division Title. Any experienced championship level team knows that driving the lane is just inviting injury.

More good news for the Spurs is the return of Manu Ginobili. The usually durable Argentinian suffered a freak ankle injury last year when he played multiple games of basketball while running and jumping in nearly all of them.

Look for 2009-2010 to be a year that no one will soon forget. In less than a week, at 2:30 AM at a sporting arena near you, amazing will happen.

I fucking hate Colin Cowherd and Jim Rome

I am taking the blog in a new and exciting direction. You, reader, will be subjected to all sorts of random stuff I have to say, and fake retarded Mavs articles may or may not be a part of that.

Which brings me to the subject of Colin Cowherd.

If you like Colin Cowherd, I will agree to fight you. I will rip off your head and shove it up your ass, light your remains on fire, and eat them.

If you like Jim Rome I will stab you in the eye with a golf pencil and watch your eye juice ooze out. Once I am satisfied, I will leave your other eye intact so you can watch me with bad depth perception take a giant shit into a bucket. I will then take the shit and smear it into your vacant eye hole before shooting you right in the testicles with bullets from a gun.

If you like Doug Christie, then fuck you.

Included in this post is a picture of Colin Cowherd wearing a baseball helmet. He kind of looks like a gay Jack Nicholson without the tits....or talent of any kind.