Paul Azinger Upset with Lazy Americans

Paul Azinger, fresh off his Wendy's 3 Tour Challenge appearance in the hills of rural Hawaii, has had enough. "I've been golfing for years, week in and week out to make ends meet, and these deadbeats want to live off of my dime, my earning power?" Azinger said as he struck a putt on the practice green at the prestigious Isleworth Country Club. Azinger cited the 587 tournaments over the years that he has been forced to play to feed his family. Azinger claims that he supports charities almost every week through tournaments that he plays in. "One of my favorite tournaments is the Cialis Open. There is this toys for tots program where if you bring a toy, a child gets a toy and you get a dollar off the admission fee. I signed autographs back in 1994 because I do my part. You sell something like that on Ebay, you don't even need a job." Azinger rants on about the liberal left spending agenda of America as he transitions from the putting green to the spa area of the club. Azinger himself is used to hardship, spending hours upon hours on the golf course to better America. "Look, it's not that hard. You get out on the range, and pound some balls. And pound some more balls. More balls. Balls until your hands turn raw and start to bleed. Balls until your lips get chapped and your back gets sore. It's all about pounding balls," Azinger quips, noting that he spent over 2 years at Community College learning the ins and outs of the highest political discourse in the Country.

Azinger, who has struggled with back problems all of his life, doesn't understand why the healthcare thing is such a big deal. Listen, once you spend 20 or 30 years pounding balls, healthcare is cheap. Azinger notes that his $40,000 appearance fee in 1986 from the Dubai Desert Classic more than covered his spinal fusion surgery. "Look, I'm not saying having that surgery was easy. Sometimes you can pound too many balls. But to pretend like its some sort of exorbitant cost, lets be real," Azinger moans as he steps on his GulfStream4 jet which he earned through years of ball pounding. As the flight carried on towards the Isle of Azinger, his personal retreat to get away from the grind of playing golf for millions of dollars each week, Azinger had something to say about taxes. "Kids these days. They expect the government to coddle them with health benefits and handouts to keep them clothed and fed. Meanwhile here I am paying 16 times of their overall human worth per year for just one of my properties when they haven't even ever sucked it up and pounded some balls. Just ridiculous," he went on, saying "This Obama guy isn't even American I haven't even seen his birth certificate. I guess were supposed to ignore the fact he's been enabling these minorities for years who haven't even ever seen a driving range. Listen, I'm willing to accept a little adultery or even some campaign fraud because you have to listen to your heart, but get off your ass and pound some balls Obama. He's not even Christian, you know? He took the oath of office on the Koran and was mouthing Allah Ahkbar instead of the customary oath. I'd tell you to look at the tapes but he had his government controlled liberal media erase the tapes. Typical. Not only that did you hear about that guy he talked to who did something illegal. This guy might be the antichrist," Azinger continues as a for hire private stewardess brings him a wet towel to wipe away the sweat forming on his brow, seemingly astonished at the liberal failings of America. "If you don't believe me, just ask Frank Lickliter III. You really think were both wrong about this?".