Mavs' Nowitzki likely to join Nash in Phoenix

June 29,2010

Reports out of Wurzburg from a source close to Nowitzki says that the Mavericks all time leading scorer is all but certain to join Steve Nash in Phoenix. Reportedly, Dirk is frustrated with the Mavericks hesitation at offering the 32 year old a max contract and has had a heart to heart with Nash about a possible reunion. The two were spotted last Saturday taking in the World Cup soccer match between Germany and England. Citing NBA tampering rules, a source within the Suns who did not wish to be identified, would neither confirm or deny the report saying simply, "We are exploring any and all options."

Assuming Dirk does bolt for Phoenix, the Mavs are left with little room to maneuver and will likely target Joe Johnson in a sign and trade. Other possible options to fill the void left by Nowtizki's departure include local favorite Chris Bosh or veteran Brad Miller.

-Bob Sacamano

THERE WILL BE NO "NBA FREE AGENT SUMMIT"

A google search for "dwyane wade douchebag" returns 18,600 results.
A google search for "lebron james douchebag" returns 52,600 results.
A google search for "david stern douchebag" returns 27,400 results.

So not surprisingly, when Dwyane Wade tries to create some douchebag summit where all of the league's douchebags come together and try to rig the highest level of basketball in an even more obvious way than douchebag David Stern already has, David Stern is obviously going to have some douchebag things to say about it.

Lets translate David Stern's douchebag speak into human words:
(quotes from this stupid article: http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=5249480)

"I would expect our players to talk to one another, and we don't have any problem with that," Stern said Thursday during his annual NBA Finals news conference. "If some kind of tampering is implicated, I will have a later and different view, but we're not expecting that."

Translation: Since the best players in the NBA are the only reason the league exists and theoretically has an opportunity to make money, I suppose, as benevolent King, will allow them to communicate verbally with one another on a limited basis. However, I reserve my God ordained right to take action against them at any time for such verbal communication.

"They can have it," he said. "I was wondering whether they would get together, eight players and they'll all look at D-Wade's ring? They'd be better off watching these finals to see how you construct a team and how you play and the like. There's not going to be a summit."

Translation: Dwyane Wade, you ungrateful son of a bitch, have you not seen the ring I have already generously provided you? Have your damn summit and you will never see the NBA Finals again. By the way, this Lakers/Celtics thing is totally legitimate guys, esepcially that Pau Gasol trade, watch the NBA Finals on ABC.

"You really don't want to be a complete spoilsport, but you work hard and you say, 'OK, this crosses the line,' and you fine somebody," Stern said. "It's no fun, and it's not necessarily a productive use of our time. But our teams who have these players under contract are easily offended, and appropriately offended when inappropriate statements are made about players already under contract, and that's what we do."

Translation: On some deep level, I realize that fining Mark Cuban $100,000 for saying that LeBron is good is maybe the most retarded thing I've ever done. It might even be pointless. But, lets not forget that I'm David Fucking Stern and retarded is what I do. So there.

"I grew up in Stern's Delicatessen. He has his meat wrong," Stern said.

Translation: I know a lot about dick.

"It actually, I think, demonstrates, I mean, we're really up there now with Bill Gates, President Obama and Lady Gaga," Stern joked. "How can you beat that trifecta, to add LeBron James to that?"

Translation: Hopefully these pop culture references will trick people into thinking I'm a real life person.

"I'm a recovering single-team person," Stern said.

Translation: Things were so much easier back when I was a human child and actually liked basketball. Thankfully, I know realize that really what is important is money.

"LeBron will have played with Cleveland for seven years. That's a huge amount of time. Cleveland has been given the edge with respect to the raises they can give him and the length of his contract. I think that's a good thing. And then you just, it's up to the players to decide where they want to go. They fought very hard for that right, and I'm perfectly fine with that."

Translation: Check out this motherfucking tampering baby. What am I going to fine myself? Ha Ha, yeah right bitches.